To cope with having countless things to do and not knowing where to start, to avoid the backlog of unanswered questions and postponed decisions crying out for their attention, to keep their anger out of view, and to buoy a low self-esteem, Nines have unhealthy coping strategies. They will often turn to food, sex, drinking, exercise, shopping, the reassuring comfort of habits and routines, performing mindless busywork, or vegging out on the couch and watching TV to numb out and ignore their feelings, wants and desires. What Nines fail to realize is that numbing out is a bogus form of relaxation, a cheap imitation of the genuine peace for which they long.
Fours believe they alone have this tragic flaw, so when they compare themselves to others (which is all the time), they feel inferior. As Richard Rohr puts it, Fours often feel “ruled by a hidden shame.” The joy and completeness others seem to enjoy is a daily reminder of what they themselves lack.
It’s no surprise that envy is the deadly sin of Fours. They envy the normalcy, happiness and sense of comfort with which others seem to move through life. They instantly spot who has a more interesting life, a happier family or childhood story, a better job, superior taste, a more privileged education, more distinguishing clothes or unrivaled artistic talent. This envy, coupled with their pervasive sense of “irredeemable deficiency,” launches Fours on a never-ending quest to find the missing piece without which they never feel at home in the world. Sadly, by fixating on what’s missing, Fours are blind to what’s present in their lives, namely the many wonderful qualities they already possess.
If you want Fours to perform ordinary or routine tasks, forget it. First, they’ll feel it’s beneath their sensibilities. Fours will procrastinate if you ask them to tackle projects that involve too many details, like writing reports or fussing around with spreadsheets. If you meet a Four whose day job is waiting tables or driving a cab, chances are it’s a side gig to support their art or some other creative passion.
To feel fulfilled, a Four’s work has to have a higher purpose, make use of and highlight their area of expertise, tap into their fertile imagination and interior life, and make it possible for them to establish emotional connections with others. They dislike uniformity, regulation, and an abundance of rules and expectations.
Fours aren’t always great on teams where their gifts might get buried in the mix. They want to be seen and appreciated for bringing unique perspectives. They won’t necessarily be resentful if you don’t implement something they suggest as long as it’s clear you heard and understood their idea. Sure, they’re temperamental, but if you give them something special to do and let them go, they’ll often outperform your expectations.
Fours with a Three wing (4w3). Fours are sandwiched between the Performer (Three) on the one hand and the Observer (Five) on the other. Fours with a dominant Three wing want to be both the most unique and the best. Their energy is competitive, and they have enough of the Three’s image-consciousness that they are more aware than other Fours of the need to dial back their emotional intensity and quirky idiosyncrasies to be socially acceptable. With the added energy of the Three, two things are likely: first, they will be more outgoing, which translates to overly dramatic; and second, they are usually more productive, turning dreams and ideas into reality. Both of these tendencies show the Four’s desire to be noticed. Often these Fours have more frequent mood swings than Fours with a Five wing
wing.
Fours with a Five wing (4w5). Fours with a Five wing are likely more introverted and unconventional. They are very concerned with uniqueness, but they have less need to be noticed by an audience than 4w3. They are quietly different, often eccentric. They spend more time alone and find it easier to let their emotions be without having to talk about them or respond with some kind of action.
Stress
Stress. Fours in stress will begin to look and act like unhealthy Twos. Here they repress their own needs and become excessively dependent on others. Craving attention, they’ll need a ton of reassurance and affirmation from friends and partners, and jealousy might surface.
Security. Fours in security take on the traits of a healthy One, where they stop talking about their creative ideas and actually become disciplined enough to buckle down and realize them. They are more aware of what’s happening in the present, more centered and calm. When Fours are connected to the positive side of One they are much more successful in relationships, knowing they can have feelings without talking about them or acting on them. This is a very mature place for Fours.
So first, Fours need to hear this loud and clear: there’s nothing missing. It may be hard to believe, but God didn’t ship them here with a vital part absent from their essential makeup. Fours arrived on life’s doorstep with the same equipment everyone else did. The kingdom is inside them too. Everything they need is here.
Equanimity refers to the ability to remain emotionally composed and steady regardless of what’s happening around us. Remember, feelings are like waves on the surface of the ocean. Don’t attach or identify with them but with the vast ocean beneath them. More than once in life I’ve had to say to myself, I am not my feelings
Offer yourself the gift of unconditional self-friendship as you work to unwind lifelong feelings of shame and inferiority. Never give up on yourself!
Stop fantasizing about the ideal relationship, career or community and getting stuck in longing for it. Instead, work hard for what’s possible and see it through to completion.
